On Friday night I had the greatest seafood risotto of all time. I bought a bottle of chardonnay on the way home and killed it while watching The Gambler. I woke up without a hangover on Saturday and had bacon, salami, and Manchego for breakfast.

My friend invited a bunch of us over to his apartment on Saturday afternoon. We ate roast beef and brussels sprouts and salad while drinking tons of beer. Then we played Taboo. Then Pictionary. Then Clue. THC-infused chocolate and a bottle of single malt scotch were passed around. Clue became considerably more difficult after that.

My girlfriend’s best friend showed up and the three of us went to dinner together. I began blacking out at that point and only remember snippets of the night. Apparently I told my girlfriend I was going to have a threesome with her and her friend. Instead, I passed out on my couch while the friend went to pick up one of her friends. Ah, what could have been.

I woke up around 1 A.M. to my girlfriend and another one of her friends (who I also want to fuck) chattering over glasses of wine. The Universe was handing me another shot at a threesome and I blew it once again. The friend left shortly after I woke up. Maybe next time, Nick.

Today I woke up about 7:30 and watched porn all morning long. My girlfriend wanted me to fuck her before brunch. I came on the third thrust. We met my buddy Sean at a nearby cafe. Trying to make conversation with him is like pulling teeth. We’re no longer in high school. The weight of the world has crushed him. He’s old and boring now.

And maybe I am, too.

I returned to my apartment and took a nap on the couch. Read for an hour or so. Watched three episodes of BoJack Horseman. Drank a 25 oz. Chelada in 45 seconds. Some girl I’ve been trying to fuck for several months years sent me a text out of the blue. “What are you up to?” I couldn’t invite her over to fuck because my girlfriend apparently lives here now.

My current existence is absolutely meaningless. I punch a clock for just enough money to pay my rent, my student loans, and enough alcohol to render me unconscious for large parts of the weekend. Then I do it again the next week. And the next. I keep waiting for something to happen and it never does. I guess that means I need to make something happen.

But what?

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