First things first, I want to give credit to Mike from Danger and Play for the inspiration for this post. He has already produced a podcast on this topic over at his blog, which you should check out if you’re interested in learning more. He is running one of the best blogs on the net today. If you’ve never heard of him, you should check out his site.
As Mike pointed out in the podcast, introverts live in their heads while extraverts are externally-focused. If you spend all day overanalyzing social situations, having hypothetical conversations in your head, etc., you’re probably an introvert. You should also know, as Mike pointed out, that introverts make up something like 25%-30% of the population (depending on who you ask). In either case, we’re vastly outnumbered, and extraverts just don’t “get” us. Finally, note that introversion isn’t the same as shyness (although I personally believe there is a correlation between the two). Simply put, introverts “recharge” by being alone, whereas extraverts feed off the energy of group situations.
Before continuing, I’d like to give a disclaimer: I’m not some uber-alpha who’s fucked 10,000 women. I don’t really buy these statistics, but if we assume they are true, I’ve been around the block more than your average guy. I’m certainly an introvert, and today I want to share with you a few tips that have worked for me.
This post assumes you have at least a basic understanding of game. If not, you should read this before proceeding. After writing it, I determined this post is actually targeted more toward shy guys than mere introverts, but as mentioned above, I believe the two are often correlative.
1. Know What You Want
“The point of life is to get what you want.” –My uncle
Of course, getting what you want requires knowing what you want. Do you want to date three different girls a week? Are you looking for a girlfriend? Do you want a wife? Be honest with yourself. I played the game of racking up meaningless notches for quite a few years before finally realizing that wasn’t what I wanted. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Do some soul-searching and decide what it is you’re truly after.
2. Pick Your Target Accordingly
Once you know what you’re after, your can tailor your approach. If you’re looking for a wife, you don’t want to meet her at a club. If you’re wanting to raw dog three bleach blonde bimbos a week, you probably won’t find them in the public library.
My theory is, at least when you’re starting out, you want to play to your strengths. As the writer formerly known as Roissy said in the Sixteen Commandments of Poon:
XII. Maximize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses
In the betterment of ourselves as men we attract women into our orbit. To accomplish this gravitational pull as painlessly and efficiently as possible, you must identify your natural talents and shortcomings and parcel your efforts accordingly. If you are a gifted jokester, don’t waste time and energy trying to raise your status in philosophical debate. If you write well but dance poorly, don’t kill yourself trying to expand your manly influence on the dancefloor. Your goal should be to attract women effortlessly, so play to your strengths no matter what they are; there is a groupie for every male endeavor. Except World of Warcraft.
I can’t tell you how much time (and money) I’ve wasted in dark, deafening clubs, approaching groups of sorority girls. Though I had some successes, I would have been a lot better off starting up one-on-one conversations with bookish girls in coffee shops.
This isn’t a long term fix. As an introvert, being around groups of people stresses me out. Even if it’s a BBQ with family and friends, I can’t help but feel a gnawing anxiety after a few short minutes. I’ve got to get out of here! I think to myself. Booze short-circuits this. Even chugging a couple of beers before a social interaction will get you out of your own head and help you be externally focused.
As mentioned above, this is just a band-aid treatment. If you want to work on a more permanent fix, then you’ll want to look into . . .
Even though I’ve never made it a full 90 days on the NoFap program, I’ve had some decent streaks. I can tell you firsthand that it makes being around people a lot easier. I can hear you say, “Everyone masturbates; it doesn’t seem to hurt extraverts!”
I don’t have any scientific proof for this, but my personal theory is that excessive masturbation puts introverts even more into their own heads. I went to being the coolest kid in 7th grade, who dated all the hot 8th grade girls, to a socially awkward outcast by the next year. This was at least primarily, if not totally, because of excessive porn use. Think about it: you’re spending hours a day fantasizing (i.e., being in your own head) about sexual trysts.
When I’m on a 30- or 40-day NoFap streak, it’s as if I become magnetic. People are coming out of nowhere to talk to me. Conversations flow with ease. While I’d still rather read a book than have a four-hour conversation, it’s certainly a lot easier to be around people. When you’re gaming girls, you don’t want to be anxious and nervous, thinking oh my God, I’ve go to get out of here! You want to be cool, calm, and collected. NoFap will help you get there.
As I mentioned in “The Benefits of Meditation,” meditating allows you to take control of your thoughts. You’re in a less-than-comfortable social situation and you just want to get out. Your mind is trying to come up with an excuse to leave. That kind of behavior is the antithesis of charisma. Instead, you can catch yourself and replace your thoughts with, “There’s no place else I’d rather be. There’s no one else I want to see.” Furthermore, meditation is like NoFap in the sense that it chills you out in a big picture kind of way. It will also help you tolerate the stress of social situations.
These are just some general tips to help you get out of your head and on your way to getting the girl(s) you want. In the future, I will write another post with more specific steps you can take to amp up your game as an introvert. Until then, happy hunting.